You would think that a gorilla would be good at football, right? I mean, anyone around 6 foot tall weighing three hundred pounds should be great. Just stick him down front and center and tell him not to let anyone get through.
Oh it’s a great plan all right. Until you realize that he’s not really three hundred pounds. Try half that and you’d be closer. I know. All that fur. It’s very deceiving. It certainly keeps him warm in the winter. And nice and sweaty all summer. But it weighs about two ounces. And that doesn’t go very far when it comes to football.
In that case, why not make him a wide receiver? Let him stay on the outside, away from all the plows, and use his wilderness sharpened speed to get right where the opposing side doesn’t want him?
Except that the opposing side really won’t care where he is after they see him try to catch the ball. Those hands are better suited for crushing blows to the skull than catching anything.
But he plays an accordion! He’s got to have some sort of dexterity.
Yep. He fumbles the accordion just like a football. Ever wondered why he usually has it on a strap around his neck? If you could just strap the football around his neck like that, you could send him from one side of the field to the other and no one would catch him. Unfortunately, the rules don’t allow it.
Which is why you’ll see Gonga on the sidelines on game day, yelling at the band to play louder, shouting at the players to run faster, and trading hugs with Truman the Tiger every time he comes by. Some of the kids actually like Gonga better than Truman. It does seem that Gonga’s face would be more frightening than Truman’s. But maybe it’s the relative size of the thing that makes the difference.
If you see Gonga at the next game, go try to shake his hand and ask him why he doesn't play football. Actually, better just give him a hug. Those hands don't always behave as expected!
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