Free Food

There are so many ways for an enterprising young gorilla to survive on less than a dollar a day on this wonderful campus. Not that Gonga actually makes less than a dollar a day, but he sends most of what he does make to his extended family. When you have four maiden Aunts and a half dozen nephews and nieces, besides your own brothers and sisters needing support, you become quite ingenious in ways to save money.

Hence Gonga’s perpetual search for the free lunch.

I know, you’re thinking, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

Allow me to correct you. For Gonga, there is such a thing as a free lunch. He just has to look hard for it.

One prime way of sniffing out free food on campus is to hang out in Lowry Mall from around 11:00-1:00. If someone plans to give away food, they often do it in the heart of campus. Another good spot for handouts is Speaker’s Circle. On occasion various groups hand out everything from coffee to hot chocolate to sugar cookies and cupcakes.

Another method involves the use of Gonga’s campus e-mail account. Just like every other student, he receives the weekly MU Info announcement. Every week, he opens that e-mail, hits “Ctrl”+ “F” and searches for two words. The first word is “food,” and the second is “soda.” He carefully imprints the time and location of each event in his brain, knowing that one more meal will allow him to send just that much more home to his family.

And when all else fails, he goes dumpster diving.

At least, that’s the cover I display for Gonga. It helps to hide my identity. But my mission remains the same. To help all people, everywhere, for whatever reason. My goal is to prevent you from resorting to dumpster diving. I know textbooks cost a lot. But it’s still not worth it. Trust me on this one.