As a general rule of thumb, you should never try to climb a building if there is a security guard walking around. Those guards really will try to stop you. Especially if there are chains on the gates you try to go over, or padlocks on the fire escapes you try to climb or yellow caution tape draped about the premises.
I speak from personal experience. Those guards really aren’t interested in protecting you. At first I thought that was their job. But I, Gonga, am a gorilla. And everyone knows that gorillas are capable of navigating heights fairly safely. The guard thought otherwise.
Another place to avoid is the stair wells in parking garages. Only if you are six four and over 250 pounds should you venture into those traps after two in the morning. Being Gonga, I can safely do such things. I just have to start one of my long winded gorilla howls, and perpetrators usually turn tail and run. Not sure if it’s the shock of seeing a gorilla in a parking garage stairwell after two in the morning or whether my yell is simply so deafening that they’re forced to retreat. At any rate.
Don’t go in a parking garage stairwell on your own early in the morning. Please. I don’t want to have to rescue you.
Another place to avoid is lecture halls in the middle of the lecture. No, I don’t mean skip class. But definitely avoid walking across stage by mistake. Especially if it’s an engineering class. And the professor is in a bad mood. And he happens to be teaching ballistics. And he brought his model trebuchet into class that day. No. I don’t want to talk about it.
And, as a side note. If you ever decide to have a note burning party…don’t try to do it in a bookstore. Even if you have a carefully insulated metal container and a filter rigged to that you don’t let any smoke escape. You may think your model incinerator is a feat of engineering brilliance. But don’t use it at the bookstore. Because I WON’T come rescue you. After all, you have to remember where I work.
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